World’s Greatest Artificial Intelligence Strategic Partnership Bears Fruit:
Einstein and Watson Give Birth to “Deming”
AI Love Child Promises to Transform DevOps As We Know It
SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. — April 1, 2017 — At a star-studded event in San Francisco that left the city gridlocked and was attended by the Dalai Lama, Justin Bieber, Will Smith, the Black Eyed Peas, Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Thomas Pynchon, the former Prime Minister of Norway, Arianna Huffington, Ivanka Trump, Gallagher, Chelsea Clinton, and Neil Degrasse Tyson (see the 14-page appendix for a complete roster of C-list celebrities, washed-up performers, New Age nitwits and other irrelevancies in attendance), Salesforce and IBM announced that their combination of Einstein and Watson has produced a new AI system for DevOps named “Deming”.
The result of several weeks collaboration between IBM PR Research and Salesforce PR Research, Deming is a self-aware DevOps thought leader that uses natural language processing (an upgraded version of Parsey McParseyFace which proved more accurate than Watson on standard industry benchmarks), image recognition to detect fear in developer’s faces and bottomless learning algorithms to auto construct a DevOps keynote for any tradeshow/conference/meetup/webinar/executive briefing/stand-up/sales call/TEDx Talk. Deming has unique ability to parse customer issues and automatically close them with status code “works as designed. will not fix”, if they require any engineering work.
“There is some evidence that Artificial Intelligence will eventually turn out to be what our ancestors had. AI is something that is always with us, we only have to discover it,” said Deepak Chopra, one of the key inspirations for DevOps. “If we unlock the universal secrets of AI, humanity can thrive beyond what is possible.”
In a demonstration of that DevOps Power, Deming had convinced Chelsea Clinton and Ivanka Trump to shake hands, which led to spontaneous hugging by everyone on stage, as well as a blameless post-mortem.
In addition to their collective unparalleled leadership in AI PR, IBM and Salesforce have also harnessed their incredible powers of innovation to usher in the next step beyond serverless computing: engineer-less computing.
“IBM and Salesforce have both been on the brink of engineer-less computing for several years now,” said Marc Benioff, CEO of Salesforce. “When we put our heads together, we realized we could take the final step, eliminate moody and expensive software engineers entirely from the process, and simply use press releases.”
IBM CEO Ginni Rometty added, “Watson. Strategic initiatives. The mainframe is the best place to run those new workloads. I’m not sure what is in our cloud-less cloud revenue line either. Creating jobs right here in America; definitely not outsourcing those jobs to India. What was the question?”
“As Marc Andreeeesssseeeen said, software is eating the world,” said Will Smith, noted DevOps thought leader and the Force.com Prince of Bel Air. “We want to make sure that AI can eat the software. Enjoy the buffet after the press conference.”
Prior to the event, President Trump tweeted:
When asked to describe the power of Deming to transform the world, Dalai Lama laughed and laughed and uttered “Good”.
Tony Robbins has led the attendees at the event to a peaceful walk on live fire pit and chant “I am a DevOps thought leader. Deming is my Guru”. Attendees have described this as a surreal experience.
The event was not without controversy. Some members of the cult Clouderati had protested on Twitter saying Deming may be just marketing. In response, several thought leaders have called on Twitter to ban the accounts of notorious c-cloud social media department, who are said to be spiritual advisers of Clouderati. Twitter said they are currently processing abuse requests from 2009, will look at these reports when they get to the 2017 reports, and noted that, as with many other things at Twitter, their pace of reducing the backlog has recently halved.
Note: this press release contains certain forward-looking statements with respect to the financial condition, results of operations and business of IBM and Salesforce and certain of the plans and objectives respect to these items. Forward-looking statements can be identified generally as those containing words such as “anticipates”, “assumes”, “believes”, “estimates”, “expects”, “should”, “will”, “will likely result”, “forecast”, “outlook”, “projects”, “may” or similar expressions. By their nature, forward-looking statements involve risk and uncertainty because they relate to future events and circumstances and there are many factors that could cause actual results and developments to differ materially from those expressed or implied by these forward-looking statements. As is standard practice for both IBM and Salesforce, customers should not expect any actual useful software to result from these statements.