Today’s Cloud Computing News Digest

Apr 1, 2016, Dispatches from C-Cloud Field Office, Cloud City

Your summary of all the Cloud news from around the market:

  • Gartner Releases Magic Quadrant for Serverless Cloud Infrastructure

The Magic Quadrant for Serverless Cloud Infrastructure was released today. IBM and Oracle are the only vendors in the Leader quadrant, based on their oxymoronic claims to offer cloud computing services without actually having deployed the necessary server infrastructure, much less the millions of servers needed to be competitive in the hyper-scale cloud infrastructure market. Gartner analyst Darth Gideon said “IBM and Oracle are the clear leaders in serverless cloud. Their ability to entirely substitute marketing for a global infrastructure and operations footprint cannot be matched by any other cloud vendors.”

  • Google Unveils “Occupy Enterprise”

As part of the company’s new-found if not completely thought-out desire to woo the enterprise for Google Cloud, the company is bringing one of its moonshot efforts to bear in the battle for the enterprise cloud. Google’s Loon balloons have been deployed to hover ominously above various enterprise prospects. The company plans to leave them there until the companies become customers. A Google product manager added “We’re going to turn every stogey enterprise into a moonshot whether they like it or not.” One customer, a defense contractor, said they were not amused and were contemplating a demonstration of their own products to “give Google a real taste of NoOps”.

  • Amazon Web Services Bolsters Hybrid Cloud Strategy with Drones

Countering Google’s airborne cloud threat, AWS today hinted it would soon be deploying its own drone air force to deploy hybrid cloud computing resources to customers and counter Google’s aerial cloud strategy. Customers can request delivery of hybrid cloud resources to their campus by saying “Alexa, I need to hug a server”. Whether the drones will use the Fire brand is still being discussed at the company. One insider commented on the debate: “Evoking flaming aerial objects definitely has interesting brand connotations so we’re still working that decision.”

  • FBI Cloud Announced

Facebook, Box.net and Intel today announced they were partnering up with the Federal Bureau of Investigation to streamline law enforcement access to data residing in the cloud. The parties explained their division of labor as one where Facebook has all the data, Box can’t resist anything involving PR, Intel is just happy to be asked to participate, and the FBI would be in everyone’s business. In related news, another government agency, the US Department of Agriculture, was hoping Under Armour, Salesforce, DropBox and Apple would join their cloud effort, code-named “Cow Cloud”.

  • RAX and HPE Fight Over Claim to be First Cloud Broker

Unable to resolve their differences over which was the first to become a Cloud Broker, Rackspace and HPE have agreed to take the battle to MGM Grand Garden Arena. Each company will send ten marketing representatives to convince other company’s marketing team that they were the first to throw in the towel as a real Cloud provider and instead focus on being a “broker”. Las Vegas police have issued an advisory to citizens to avoid surrounding areas of MGM Grand Garden Arena this weekend due to high risk of narcolepsy.

  • Computer Reseller News Changes Name to Cloud Broker News

In an effort to update and glamorize the traditionally thankless and low margin reseller business for the cloud era, fierce competitors (see previous story) and aspiring resellers of other people’s clouds Hewlett Packard Enterprise and RackSpace today announced they were joining forces to pay industry publication CRN to change its name to Cloud Broker News.

  • New Cybersecurity Alliance to Build a Wall

Several vendors have formed Yet Another Cybersecurity Alliance (YACA) to secure the nation’s information infrastructure by building a huge wall around China. Sir Scares-Alot, a spokesperson for YACA, said, “We have to take the battle to the hackers and we know that these hackers are located in China, so we are going to build a wall around China”. Whether YACA will leverage existing portions of the Great Wall of China or the Great Firewall of China in this effort is unknown at this time.

  • Microsoft Announces Windows to Run Linux Applications

With help from Canonical, Microsoft is adding support for the BASH shell to Windows 10, allowing Linux command line applications to run on Windows. Former Microsoft Windows executive Jim Allchin, when reached for comment, said “This must be some kind of April Fools gag.”

That’s all folks — there is never a dull day in the Cloud market. To get your company news covered in c-cloud news digest, please call 1800-PoundSand

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